chapter 26: The End

Thats all im going to tell you about. I could go into when I went home and how I got ill, but I don’t feel like it. People keep asking me if im going to apply myself when I go back to school, especially this one psychoanalyst. But how do I know what I going to do until I actually do it. D.B. isn’t as bad as the rest though. He asked me what I think about it all, about what I just told you. And the truth is, I don’t know what I think about it. Im sorry i told so many people about it. Now I sort of miss the people I told. Even old Stradlater and Ackley, I think I even miss that goddam Maurice. Its funny. Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Chapter 25

suddenly regretted giving my red hunting hat to Old Pheobe as soon as I got out. I was walking round the streets like a madman. I was thinking that I might not make it across to the other side of the street safely, so I started pleading to Allie, not to God but to Allie to see me safely across the street. The thoughts of fleeing out west game back again and I decided I was gona do it. I wanted to go and say goodbye to Phoebe though, and to give her christmas dough back. So I wrote her a note I delivered it to her school and everything and just as I was leaving I saw that some rotten kid had scratched 'Fuck you' into one of the walls. That annoyed the hell outta me. I saw it written more than onsce. It annoyed me so much that I wanted to kill the person that had put it there! The minute you find somewhere nice some bastard comes along and writes the word 'Fuck You' all over it! I went to the museum to meet Phoebe and I was walking along of the corridors and I found another 'Fuck You' written on the wall. I couldn't rub it off. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So I stood and waited outside of the museum and waited for Old Phoebe, in my note I'd told her that I was going away and all and that this was her last chance to say goodbye.
When I saw her coming up the road, she was dragging a big suitcase with her. She told me she was coming with me, I told her she couldn't. We had a row about it, we were practically yelling in the street. In the end I told her I would go home with her, and I meant it. But by the time she was kinda mad at me. I offered to take her to the park but she didn't answer so I walked on and headed towards the park. She walked on the other side of the road. That killed me. I knew she would follow me in the end. When we got there I was reminded of my childhood. Me, Allie, Phoebe and D.B used to come here as children and go on the carousel. I gave Phoebe some dough and watched her on the carousel. Before she went on she took my hunting hat out of my pocket and put it on my head with the ear flaps down and all and I sat and I watched her as she went around and around and around. She looked so nice and pretty and all. I wish you coulda been there.

chapter 24

Mr and Mrs Antolini lived in some swanky apartment over in Sutton place. It wasn't too far from my mothers place, but I felt sort of funny when I got outside. So I took a cab down to Sutton place. Mr Antolini answered the door and I could tell he was a bit oiled up. When I got inside we sort of chewed the fat a while whilst Mrs Antolini brewed us up some coffee. When the coffee was finally ready Mrs Antolini went to bed. Soon we got round tothe topic of me flunking out of Pencey Prep. I was so goddam sleepy. I started to tell Mr Antolini about my old english lessons. You had to make a spontaneous speech and all and if they went off topic you had to shout 'digression!' and all at them. It was horrible. I find it much more interesting when someone goes off topic. Later on into the night Mr Antolini kept on giving be a load of advice about mky future and stuff. He even gave me a qoute from some psychoanalyst. It said, "The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the immature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." But I felt so damn tired all of a sudden and I couldn't understand it completely. Mr Antolini was so oiled up that he was asking a lot of silly questions like, "How's your women?" Then I did something very rude. I couldn't stop myself, I let out some huge yawn. It was so rude of me, Mr Antolini didnt care of cause and he helped me make up a bed for me. I must of fell asleep very quickly because I dont remember much. All I know is that I was woke up and found Mr Antolini stroking my head. That kind of perverty stuff scares me to tell you the truth, it really does. Boy I left that place as quick as I can. All Mr Antolini would say to me is that i'm a very strange child.

chapter 23

I had to be very quick on the phone because I didn’t want my parents to walk in on me. I don't like to think what my Dad would have said! Mr Antolini was very nice. He was about the best teacher I ever had. When I got back to D.B’s room, Phoebe turned on the radio and we danced for a little while. We danced to about four tracks. “The front door!” I quickly ran and turned off the desk light. Then I grabbed my shoes and hid in the closet. My mum thought Phoebe had been smoking, mostly because I had been smoking in the house, which I should not have been. But she just said she lit one and put it out. Good old Phoebe. When my mum finally left, I said my goodbyes and started to cry when she borrowed me her Christmas money. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop. I really couldn't. I walked all the way downstairs and nearly broke my goddam neck on garbage pails. I had to be quick, Mr Antolini was waiting for me, and I didn't want my Mum and Dad to catch me me. In a way, I wish they did catch me...

Chapter 22

Phoebe still wouldn’t look at me, she was mad because I got kicked out at Pencey. I started to explain why I had been kicked out and why I was failing in all my subjects. She said it was because I hate everything. She told me to name one thing that I do like. I couldn’t concentrate though, all kept thinking about was the nuns I had seen at breakfast, and a boy at Elkton Hills called James Castle. He jumped out of the window because some phonies were forcing him to take back something he had said and he wouldn’t, so they did something terrible to him, it was so bad that he jumped out of the window. I told Phoebe that I liked Allie. She reminded me that he was dead though, and she really started to get sore about it. I said just because someone’s dead doesn’t mean you stop liking them. Phoebe then started to talk about what I want to do with my life. I asked her if she knew the song ‘If a body catch a body comin’ through the rye’. She corrected me and told me that it was ‘If a body meet a body’, a poem by Robert Burns. I kept picturing little kids playing a game in a big field. Thousands of kids, and nobody else around except me, and my job is to save them all from falling of the edge of the cliff. That’s all I’d do all day, save the kids. I know its crazy, but it’s what I’d really like to be. Phoebe didn’t say anything for a while and then when she did it was “Daddy’s going to kill you”. I told her I didn’t give a damn, and I really didn’t anymore. I got up to make a phone call to Mr Antolini, my English teacher at Elkton Hills.

chapter 21

I decided I would go back home just to say hello to Phoebe and then beat it before anybody else sees me. After about an hour I finally got to Phoebes room. But she wasn’t there. She always sleeps in D.B’s room when he’s not there. It was quiet as hell when I went in his room. So I just sat on his desk and read through Phoebe’s notebook. I woke her up. She was so excited to see me. I had to keep telling her to be quiet. I asked her how school was and just talked for a while. She kept telling me that my parents were going to kill me for getting kicked out of school. So I went to the living room to get some cigarettes.

chapter 20

I stayed in the bar and got drunk. I sat there till about one o’clock or so, getting drunk as a bastard. I started that stupid business with the bullet in my guts again. I left and stumbled over to a phone booth. I thought I would give Jane a buzz, but by the time I got there I didn’t feel like ringing Jane, I was to drunk I guess. So what I did was, I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. We didn’t have much of a conversation, my fault; I was to drunk to even understand. After a bit we both hung up and I stayed in the booth for a while holding onto he phone so I wouldn’t pass out, I wasn’t feeling too good. So, I thought I’d walk to the duck pond in Central Park to see if the ducks were still around. As I just got into the park I dropped Phoebes goddam record, it broke into about 50 pieces. I damn near cried, it made me feel so terrible. I didn’t jus leave the pieces though, I picked them all up and put them in my pocket. They wasn’t any good but I didn’t want to just leave them. I must have been drunker than I thought because I couldn’t find the lagoon. When I finally found it, it was half frozen and half not and there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell, I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the aunts and what not coming over. I wasn’t at Allies funeral though, just like he wont be at mine, because I was still at the hospital because of my hand.
Anyway, when the weathers nice m parents go and put a bunch of flowers on Allies grave. I used to go but I cut it out. It wasn’t too bad when the weather was nice but when it rained and everybody rushed to their cars to put the radio and heater on to got somewhere nice for dinner. Goddam crappy people. I wanted to speak to Phoebe, so I decided to risk going home. My parents would be asleep so I could sneak in and out without them knowing. So I got the hell out of the park, and went home. I walked all the way. It wasn’t too far and I wasn’t tires or even drunk anymore. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.

chapter 19

I met Carl in this bar, we got talking for a while. He told me I was annoying from virtually as soon as i arrived and had been doin so for aslong as he could remember. He told me my mind was immature and that he noticed I wasn't right in the head when I was younger. After Carl went I felt lonesome as hell. I decided to pretend I was shot again, just sat there at the bar clutching my gut, blood dripping on the floor. Maybe I was just wounded mentally and wanted to show it in my own way, I'm not sure. im goddam mental i swear!!

chapter 18

I thought about giving Jane a buzz, so I did. Only she didn’t answer. I gave old Carl Luce a buzz instead, he was 3 years older than me, I didn’t like him much, but I wanted to speak to someone. We made plans to meet for a drink at around 10 o’clock. I had a lot of time to kill so I went to see a movie at Radio City. It was probably the worst thing I could have done. The Rockettes’ Christmas stage show was on. It was so phoney. I used to go and watch it with Allie every year, we loved the drummer.Then the picture started. It was boring as hell. I would tell you about it, but I might puke. The lady sat next to me cried al the way through the goddam picture. The phonier it got…the more she cried. She had a little kid with her who was bored as hell and wanted to go to the bathroom, but she just ignored him. It kills me when you see someone cry there eyes out over something as phoney as that and 9 times out of 10 their heartless bastards. After it had finished I started to walk over to the Wicker Bar, where I was meeting Carl Luce. I started to think about war because the movie was about war and all. I couldn’t go to war, id rather be shot or something. I’m sort of glad they’ve got the atomic bomb invented. If there’s ever another war, I’m going to sit right the hell on top of it. Ill volunteer for it, I swear to God I will.